I Was Probably Raped...

My boyfriend and I were used to doing 'skin deep' sex with no penetration because I was a virgin. There was this particular day I really wanted to do it so much while we were playing that I begged him to have real sex with me but he refused saying I obviously was not in my senses. I went home, thought about what had happened and when we spoke later that day I told him he was right and that we shouldn't get carried away. 

Two days later we were together doing the 'skin deep' sex and then it was getting too deep and painful, so I used our safe word. He didn't stop. I said it again louder. Still didn't stop., rather he was saying he won't hurt me and started to fuck me harder. I loved it. It was the strongest and best orgasm 

I've ever had. I felt totally helpless and weak, it makes me soaked just remembering it.

The aftermath has been tough to deal with though as I feel dirty knowing I'm not a virgin anymore and I feel like my bf raped me . But I also want that exact moment to happen again with him.